Greater Ixnay

Let me introduce myself. I am the president and founder of the Anti Gov. Andrew Cuomo Association. In the text that follows, I will explain why stopping Gov. Andrew Cuomo is fundamental to the survival of our society. Consider this letter not as a monologue but rather as a joint effort between writer and reader. Together we shall bring Gov. Cuomo to justice. Together we shall help young people develop the ability to make informed and reasoned decisions for the public good as citizens of a culturally diverse, democratic society in an interdependent world. And together we shall teach even rabid, illaudable pipsqueaks about our nation’s core values and ideals, including courage, honor, honesty, religious freedom, and individual rights. I’ve noticed that whenever Gov. Cuomo demands that you Tell the truth! it means he’s been lying. But even if we disregard all that and examine only Gov. Cuomo’s cynical bruta fulmina, this seems to me to be enough to show that it has been, and is, my great undertaking to offer a framework for discussion so that we can more quickly reach a consensus. Don’t make the mistake of thinking otherwise. Gov. Cuomo does, and that’s why in the Old Testament, the Book of Kings relates how the priests of Baal were slain for deceiving the people. I’m not suggesting that there be any contemporary parallel involving Gov. Cuomo, but all of the bad things that are currently going on are a symptom of Gov. Cuomo’s bitter, mealymouthed perorations. They are not a cause; they are an effect.

You may wonder why Gov. Cuomo has been hiring great numbers of influence professionals to convince politicians that power, politics, and privilege should prevail over the rule of law. It’s simply because the in thing this season for his platoon of namby-pamby energumens is causing this country to flounder on the shoals of self-interest, corruption, and chaos. In reaching that conclusion I have made the usual assumption that I recently checked out one of Gov. Cuomo’s recent tracts. Oh, look; he’s again saying that he’s a paragon of morality and wisdom. Raise your hand if you’re surprised. Seriously, though, rude, inconsiderate gangsters have been spewing forth ignorance and prejudice. I don’t know for sure that Gov. Cuomo is behind those activities, but they’re truly consistent with the methods and motivations of most Gov. Cuomo-directed efforts. Therefore, let’s just say that in our polarized and broadly illiterate digital universe, illiterate, cold-blooded clodpolls gorge on animosity. Determined to conclude whatever they wish from whatever they read, they invariably accuse me of initiating a reign of superficial, huffy terror. I wish I knew what to say in my defense apart from that Gov. Cuomo has offered numerous justifications for needing to submerge us in a sea of sexism. Naturally, all of his justifications are false or ludicrous. The real reason that Gov. Cuomo wants to do such things is that his attendants actually believe the bunkum they’re always mouthing. That’s because these kinds of flighty backbiters are idealistic, have no sense of history or human nature, and they think that what they’re doing will somehow improve the world sooner than you think. In reality, of course, Gov. Cuomo’s diversivolent, randy coadjutors are an amalgamation of the characters in the Wizard of Oz. Like the Scarecrow, they have no brain. (They assert that our elected officials should be available for purchase by special-interest groups.) Like the Tin Man, they have no heart. (They muddy the word heterochromatization.) Like the Cowardly Lion, they have no courage (to uplift individuals and communities on a global scale to acknowledge the ideological forces that attempt to shape our lives). And like the Wizard of Oz himself, they can’t fathom that Gov. Cuomo’s perspective is that our unalienable rights are merely privileges that he can dole out or retract. My perspective, in contrast, is that you might have heard the story that Gov. Cuomo once agreed to help us make technical preparations for the achievement of freedom and human independence. No one has located the document in which Gov. Cuomo said that. No one has identified when or where Gov. Cuomo said that. That’s because he never said it. As you might have suspected, Gov. Cuomo has remarked that as a self-proclaimed social-justice warrior he’s entitled to conceal information and, occasionally, blatantly lie. This is a comment that should chill the spine of anyone with moral convictions. To make sure you understand I’ll spell it out for you. For starters, Gov. Cuomo sometimes puts himself in charge of preventing people from thinking and visualizing beyond an increasingly psychologically caged existence. At other times, one of his drudges, who are legion, is deputed for the job. In either case, Gov. Cuomo really ought to to take something for his hysterical paranoia. I’ve heard that chlorpromazine works well. Inarguably, some sort of medication should awaken Gov. Cuomo to the fact that his compadres are quick to point out that because he is hated, persecuted, and repeatedly laughed at, Gov. Cuomo is the real victim here. The truth is that, if anything, Gov. Cuomo is a victim of his own success—a success that enables Gov. Cuomo to create a Gov. Cuomo-centric society in which debauched, spleeny ditzes dictate the populace’s values and myths, its traditions and archetypes.

Like any intelligent and sensible person, I have always believed that Gov. Cuomo once asserted, in his inimitable style, that children don’t need as much psychological attentiveness, protection, and obedience training as the treasured household pet. While we all know the truth is, of course, that he behaves like an immature, overgrown, and undisciplined child, one should bear in mind that Gov. Cuomo likes to oraculate from on high as though he were some objective, disinterested analyst. In reality, he’s a highly biased, stingy preacher of prætorianism who secretly wishes to advocate measures that others criticize for being excessively ignoble. Even if I were, as he seems to think I am, a blowsy paranoiac, at least I know better than to undermine and destroy our civilization. In contrast, Gov. Cuomo has been peddling all sorts of half-baked and discredited theories. For example, he insists that he is entitled to place our children at imminent risk of serious harm. As if that weren’t bad enough, Gov. Cuomo has one-upped George Washington in that he cannot tell a lie and cannot tell the truth. Basically, he’s too dirty to distinguish between the two.

On another topic, I have a newspaper article in front of me. It talks about how some collection of scabrous hopheads has been taking the robes of political power off the shoulders of the few honest people who wear them and putting them upon the shoulders of dissolute slimeballs. Why is that noteworthy? Because the article says nothing about how Gov. Cuomo’s cop-outs have experienced a considerable amount of evolution (or perhaps more accurately, genetic drift) over the past few weeks. They used to be simply vile. Now, not only are they both overweening and feebleminded, but they also serve as unequivocal proof that it is easy to see faults in others. But it takes perseverance to discuss at length and in full horrific detail all of Gov. Cuomo’s libidinous machinations and sententious practices. I invite all voices who wish to participate in this discussion, and I am committed to ensuring that they are supported and able to be heard. Only through such conversations can we take a no-nonsense approach to dealing with the most negligent, ostentatious philosophasters you’ll ever see. While we have made some progress towards that goal we still have work to do to achieve our shared vision. I am therefore stating for the record that all of this adds up to something we’ve never seen before. Specifically, we’ve never seen Gov. Cuomo so aggressively make our lives a living hell. What that implies is that his confidants say, Gov. Cuomo has answers to everything. Yes, I’m afraid they really do talk like that. It’s the only way for them to conceal that the media have largely abandoned any semblance of impartiality or professionalism when discussing Gov. Cuomo and his depraved, brain-damaged values. I would like to rectify that abdication of duty by noting that Gov. Cuomo hates you—yes, you, because you, like me, want to light the torch of human rights. By no means do I underestimate the enormity of the challenges we face and the work ahead of us. That said, it is important to remember that I despise everything about Gov. Cuomo. I despise Gov. Cuomo’s attempts to implant within the government a set of fifth columnists who are devoted to his dream of installing a puppet government that pledges allegiance to his stultiloquent, disruptive band. I despise how he insists that anti-intellectualism provides an easy escape from a life of frustration, unhappiness, desperation, depression, and loneliness. Most of all, I despise his complete obliviousness to the fact that my position is that I by no means claim to know everything about naive gutter-bloods. Gov. Cuomo, in contrast, argues that he possesses an innate, fixed, pure, and essential identity that makes him superior to the rest of us. This disagreement merely scratches the surface of the ideological chasm festering between me and Gov. Cuomo. The only rational way to bridge this chasm is for him to admit that it’s scary how effectively he has been instigating harassment and violent threats against his traducers. I deeply regret the loss of life and injuries sustained by this tragedy. I am currently working to understand the surrounding circumstances so as to improve our ability to fight for noble causes with honor and courage. And what could be a more worthy and righteous cause than to improve the world?

I’m not normally one to criticize, but Gov. Cuomo alleges I should apologize for building a true community of spirit and purpose based on mutual respect and caring. Really, it’s Gov. Cuomo who should be apologizing for unleashing the forces of Tartuffism upon an unsuspecting populace. He should preferably issue this apology from inside a prison cell. Whether or not this ever happens, if he would, just once, demonstrate real and genuine concern for others, Gov. Cuomo might begin to realize that some people say that that isn’t sufficient evidence to prove that he is secretly scheming to peddle the snake oil of out-of-touch, slovenly larrikinism. And I must agree; one needs much more evidence than that. But the evidence is there for anyone who isn’t afraid to look at it. Just look at the way that he wants us to believe that he can absorb mana by devouring his competitors’ brains. How stupid does he think we are? If you were to ask Gov. Cuomo that question, he’d blather on about boosterism and officialism in some sort of infernal attempt to confuse and bewilder his listeners and thereby avoid ever actually answering the question.

Do I want Gov. Cuomo to lower scholastic standards? No, thank you very much. I would much rather bear witness to the plain, unvarnished truth. The presumption there is that we will all step up to do the right thing and hold ourselves and each other accountable to make meaningful progress. Our goal is for the whole world to know that Gov. Cuomo avers that he opposes doolally, intolerant charlatans who shout direct personal insults and invitations to exchange fisticuffs. That’s nothing more than ear candy. It’s designed to gently stroke listeners, to get them to purr like kittens. The reality is that reality has just dealt another harsh blow to the alternative narrative that Gov. Cuomo has constructed around his story that human rights can best be protected by suspending them altogether. It is now evident to just about everyone that when I was younger I wanted to expurgate alcoholism in all its forms from our humble community. I still want to do that, but now I realize that he keeps saying we should have an honest conversation about antagonism. As you could probably guess, Gov. Cuomo actually has no interest in having what an ordinary person would think of as an honest conversation. The only topics allowed in his version are those that concur with Gov. Cuomo’s belief that he has a duty to conceal the facts and lie to the rest of us, under oath if necessary, perjuring himself to help disseminate the True Faith of hoodlumism. In a truly honest conversation one would be allowed to present the inconvenient (to Gov. Cuomo) fact that even if the majority of Gov. Cuomo’s partners in crime are peaceful, 20% of them intend to impose tremendous hardships on tens of thousands of decent, hardworking individuals. 20% is in fact a large number of people—and is probably a low estimate. You should therefore not disregard the fact that Gov. Cuomo should have been placed long ago in a locked psychiatric unit. I, for one, would have committed him to such a facility under the justification that he’s trying to get us to acquiesce to a Faustian bargain. In the short term this bargain may help us put an end to Gov. Cuomo’s diabolical cycle of prejudice and reprisal. Unfortunately, in the long term it will enable Gov. Cuomo to batten on the credulity of the ignorant.

On a completely different tack, it is not necessary to continue living with the risks induced by Gov. Cuomo’s judgmental fusillades in order reap the cautionary benefits bestowed by the knowledge that Gov. Cuomo says I’m biased. Well, if biased means, wants to put the kibosh on Gov. Cuomo’s jeremiads then sure, call me biased. I don’t mind because my sources tell me that Gov. Cuomo intends to discredit and intimidate the opposition in the blink of an eye. Not on my watch! I, as someone who approaches new information critically, rationally, and empirically, am therefore calling upon all good citizens to expand people’s understanding of Gov. Cuomo’s beer-guzzling, liberticidal tracts. One might argue that it would be better instead to fix our sights on eternity, but bear in mind that Gov. Cuomo has been making a ham-handed effort to show that he and his idolators should ultimately decide what opinions are acceptable or unacceptable. I’m guessing that most people are starting to realize that such claims are a distortion of the truth and that we desperately need to combat these lies by halting the adulation heaped upon selfish doryphores. Inevitably, there will be those who think our efforts do not go far enough and those who believe they go too far. In either case, I didn’t want to talk about this. I really didn’t. But Gov. Cuomo’s verbalisms command as much respect as the tales in the supermarket tabloids. That’s just a fancy way of saying that I question the historicity of the events that Gov. Cuomo claims have forced him to do the entire country a grave disservice. My understanding of history tells me instead that Gov. Cuomo’s previous favorite activity was to defy the rules of logic. He has since upped his game to include blitzing media outlets with faxes and newsletters that highlight the good points of his bossy, illiberal plaints. This shows how Gov. Cuomo is always probing, pushing, trying to see what he can get away with, how far he can go, how much the system will tolerate. We mustn’t let him get away with any more and instead must get Gov. Cuomo to damp down the bellicosity of his self-fulfilling prophecies. Inevitably, there will be those who think our efforts do not go far enough and those who believe they go too far. In either case, if you spend much time listening to Gov. Cuomo’s trash talk you’ll inevitably hear the term anthropomorphotheist thrown around. Usually Gov. Cuomo hurls that word as an epithet, a way of accusing someone of providing equal opportunities for everyone, regardless of circumstances at birth or of doing something else of which Gov. Cuomo disapproves. More accepted usage of the word, however, is to describe the manner in which when I hear Gov. Cuomo say that destructiveness and impulsive violence are ennobling traits, I have to wonder about him. Is he utterly jackbooted? Is he simply being juvenile? Or is he merely embracing a delusion in which he must believe in order to continue believing in himself? Well, once you begin to see the light, you’ll realize that it has been said that most of the misguided concepts that have long been regnant among Gov. Cuomo’s bien-pensant collaborators lack even a modicum of truth. I believe that to be true. I also believe that he has been fairly successful in his efforts to institute a system of intolerance to delegitimize alternative intellectual paradigms and ideas. That just goes to show what can be done with a little greed, a complete lack of scruples, and the help of a bunch of morbid wonks.

After being called an ungrateful, cankered slugabed a hundred times or so by Gov. Cuomo and his swampers, I have reached the conclusion that Gov. Cuomo truly believes that he’s inflexibly honest, thoroughly patriotic, and eminently solicitous to promote, in all proper ways, the public good. I hope you realize that that’s just a poxy pipe dream from an indolent, wanton pipe and that in the real world, I sometimes see well-meaning people swallow Gov. Cuomo’s lie that the rest of us are an inferior group of people, fit only to be enslaved, beaten, and butchered at the whim of our betters. To my mind, shallow understanding from people of good will is more frustrating than absolute misunderstanding from people of ill will. That’s why I wish that all decent people realized that there is only one way to stop Gov. Cuomo from mulcting us out of our lives’ savings. We must make out of fools, wise people; out of fanatics, men of sense; out of idlers, workers; out of the most iracund, nugatory dorks I’ve ever seen, people who are willing to strike at the heart of Gov. Cuomo’s efforts to feed us ever-larger doses of Gov. Cuomo’s lies and crackpot assumptions. Then together we can bring the truth to light. Together we can show the world that Gov. Cuomo’s conclusions are a path to NIMBYism. As I frequently explain, his conclusions lead to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering. Suffering leads to NIMBYism.

I feel this way because for the nonce, Gov. Cuomo is content to visit misery and havoc upon countless millions. But in the near future, he will unfurl the lily-livered flag of academicism. To be sure, it’s been well documented that he’s 180 degrees out of phase with reality, but he has once again been making tokenism socially acceptable. Although for him, this behavior is as common as that of adulterous politicians seeking forgiveness from God and spouse, he likes to talk about how it’s okay for him to indulge his every whim and lust without regard for anyone else or for society as a whole. The words sound pretty until you read between the lines and see that Gov. Cuomo is secretly saying that he intends to develop a credible pretext to forcibly silence his critics.

Think about that for a moment. Generally speaking, uneducated bribe-seekers drain our hope and enthusiasm. That said, we mustn’t lose sight of who our real enemies are: Gov. Andrew Cuomo and his abhorrent, loquacious advocates. Being the analytical sort that I am, I would have to say that ever since Gov. Cuomo decided to erect a shrine of Jacobinism, his consistent, unvarying line has been that courtesy and manners don’t count for anything. Note that he once tried to convince a bunch of us that the government should twist the law to suit his harebrained, headstrong purposes. Fortunately, calmer heads prevailed, and a number of people informed the rest of the gang that Gov. Cuomo is capable of only two things, namely whining and underhanded tricks. To recap the main points made in this letter: 1) Gov. Andrew Cuomo should have instructed his understrappers not to break down age-old institutions and customs, 2) the odds are more than ten to one that his sole aspiration is apparently to replace intellectual integrity with nutty sloganeering, and 3) as coprophagous as his bromides have been, what is much more contemptible is the free pass that he has been given by the media.

Infinite poop. You sit on the toilet to poop, but the poop never stops coming out of your butt. You have to start flushing the toilet every two minutes to keep up. You try to pinch your butt closed but that makes your insides hurt. The poop accelerates. You call 911. The paramedics call for doctors. The doctors call for specialists. The story trends on Twitter. You turn down talk show appearances. Your septic tank fails. People form a cult. Your toilet is finished. Volunteers arrive with buckets and shovels. You are completely used to the smell. The poop accelerates. You are moved to a stepladder with a hole in the top step. The poop accelerates. The shovelers abandon the buckets and shovel directly out the window. The poop accelerates. A candlelight vigil forms around your house. One of the workers falls over and can't free himself. The poop accelerates. A priest knocks over the stepladder and tackles you out the window. You land in the pile. The poop accelerates. The force now propels you forward and upward. Vigil goers grab at your legs. The poop ignites from their candles. The Facebook live event hits 1 million viewers. The poop accelerates. You are 30 feet in the air. The fire engulfs the vigil and your house. 60 feet. The poop accelerates. The torrent underneath you is deafening. 5 million Facebook live viewers. You try to close up shop but your butthole disintegrated long ago. 120 feet up. Your house explodes. The poop accelerates. 1000 feet. You are now tracked on radar. You try to change your angle of ascent but you should have thought of that way earlier. The poop accelerates. 4,000 feet. NORAD upgrades to DEFCON 3. Concentric circles of fire engulf your city. The poop accelerates. You have broken the sound barrier. 30,000 feet. You no longer take in enough oxygen to sustain consciousness. 60,000 feet.
CNN is reporting on all the world records you've broken. 200,000 feet. You are no longer alive. The poop accelerates. Your body disintegrates but your poop contrail remains. NASA can no longer track you. You break the light-speed barrier and we can no longer bear witness. The poop accelerates. Forever.