The Coffee community of Coldlanda is a huge, safe nation, ruled by President Kol Everton with an iron fist, and notable for its parental licensing program, irreverence towards religion, and stringent health and safety legislation. The hard-nosed, cynical population of 874 million Coldlandans are kept under strict control by the oppressive government, which measures its success by the nation's GDP and refers to individual citizens as "human resources."

The medium-sized, corrupt, well-organized government prioritizes Law & Order, with Education, Defense, and Healthcare also on the agenda, while International Aid and Spirituality receive no funds. It meets to discuss matters of state in the capital city of Whiskey City. The average income tax rate is 25.3%.

The Coldlandan economy, worth 33.0 trillion Coffees a year, is mostly made up of the Trout Farming industry, with significant contributions from Book Publishing, Door-to-door Insurance Sales, and Pizza Delivery. Black market activity is notable. Average income is 37,765 Coffees, and evenly distributed, with the richest citizens earning only 4.0 times as much as the poorest.

Politicians preface their speeches with a declaration that any resemblance to speeches given by individuals living or dead is purely coincidental, all beauty contests have been banned, the government regularly reassures citizens that there are no monsters under their beds, and critics of President Kol Everton literally can't find their head on their shoulders. Crime, especially youth-related, is well under control, thanks to a well-funded police force and progressive social policies in education and welfare. Coldlanda's national animal is the Penquin.

Coldlanda is ranked 101,964^th in the world and 1,832^nd in the South Pacific for Most Cultured, scoring 66 on the Snufflebottom-Wiggendum Pentatonic Scale.