Italy

Why are you withdrawing the embassy, extra-holy Rome?

Here in Italy we are only a little French, mostly up north near Switzerland with their little goats and leiderhosen. An Italian princess once married a Frenchman and she took her family cooks with her to France and created French cuisine because French cuisine was awful and she replaced it with Italian cuisine. This is why we are a little bit French.
In Italy we invented the mafia and the French food and the half sunken city’s with little men who look like prisoners with sticks to push the boats around and sing to you about dead girls you loved who didn’t love you but instead loved another so they had to kill themselves and deny the world their perfect bosoms and eventually their naggy voices and stories about Sicily in 1928, which was the best part of the golden girls other than Rose telling us about St. Olaf where the men are good looking the women are strong and the children are all slightly above average much like Lake Woebegone where Herb Tolerut sold two frozen goats to the traveling circus to be used as an exhibit about the prehistory of Minnesota, the goats froze of natural causes one winter in early January when the temperature dropped quickly and the wind coming off the lake hit the goats and the Norwegian bachaelor farmers freezing them instantly, too bad the goats hadn’t been drinking at the time like the Norwegian bachaelor farmers had. Their blood was so steeped in alcohol that they were only put out of commission until the sun came out three days later and they thawed and continued on their business.