The Kingdom of Old Portugal is a massive, orderly nation, ruled by King João IX with an iron fist, and renowned for its state-planned economy, strictly enforced bedtime, and frequent executions. The hard-nosed, cynical population of 1.142 billion Portuguese are ruled with an iron fist by the dictatorship government, which ensures that no-one outside the party gets too rich. In their personal lives, however, citizens are relatively unoppressed; it remains to be seen whether this is because the government genuinely cares about its people, or if it hasn't gotten around to stamping out civil rights yet.

The large, well-organized government juggles the competing demands of Defense, Administration, and Welfare. It meets to discuss matters of state in the capital city of Lisbon. The average income tax rate is 42.5%, but much higher for the wealthy.

The sizeable but inefficient Old Portugalian economy, worth 47.3 trillion EURS a year, is driven entirely by a combination of government and state-owned industry, with private enterprise illegal. The industrial sector is led by the Retail industry, with major contributions from Trout Farming, Tourism, and Basket Weaving. Average income is 41,405 EURS, and distributed extremely evenly, with little difference between the richest and poorest citizens.

Max Barry is this year's Miss Old Portugal, the national security service are a bunch of crooks, the poor are often seen pale and dizzy after selling their blood to make ends meet, and most of the nation's wealthy aristocrats are dentists. Crime, especially youth-related, is totally unknown, thanks to a capable police force and progressive social policies in education and welfare. Old Portugal's national animal is the Iberian Wolf, which frolics freely in the nation's many lush forests, and its national religion is Roman Catholicism.

Old Portugal is ranked 92,721^st in the world and 4^th in Confederation of the Rhine for Highest Poor Incomes, with 32,959.75 Standard Monetary Units.