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You're not losing them--more like misplacing them ... into the meat locker or wherever Zombie Dog buries them.
The weekend poetry contest is over. Maple Hockey Canadia will declare the winner.
[Puts a 50$ [Cthulhu bucks] in his front pocket to keep it hush hush]
No!--Not next to my fashionably-gender-nonspecific-because-I-suck-at-snow-sculpting snowperson! Bad dog! Bad! And don't you dare come tromping back in here with snow all over your paws, either.
If I'da known this job would involve dealing with so danged many zombie life forms--even zombie fleas!--I'd have ... Well, I'd still have taken the job, because the nap-breaks are worth it.
And sometimes the perks are worth it too. Thanks!
*Sets out the "No Giant Spiders Allowed" sign*
Oh, the suspense! Will I win Third Place even though I didn't submit a poem? Everyone in the Bar is positively cringing with anticipation! ... Or maybe they're in the early stages of convulsions from food poisoning. So difficult to tell the difference. Gosh, I wonder if there's a poem to be written about that.
Well alright then, eh
Here goes nothing
I'm giving third place to this number, an excellent choice. And sticks to the theme quite well.
First place goes to Brocky, and if anyone wants to see the poem Brocky wrote earning it, I pick this:
There is no second place this week because y'all you people (no, that was not American slang you just heard from me, the definitely Canadadian person) were all too lame to try
Or you were too afraid of being judged by Canadad, in which case, I really don't blame you.
Anyways, congrats to you all for being here in this bar. And to the winners, too, I guess.
Oh, it's on! You know I'm gonna pick you as First in the next contest*, whether you submit a poem or not, purely as spiteful, spiteful retaliation. And by the way, technically, I posted my statement after Zombie Penguins announced the close of the contest.
Which means, Zombie Penguins, yes, I'll judge next time. And my "I wonder if there's a poem to be written about that" means the theme is gonna be ... (drum roll) ... poems about food poisoning. Yay! The return of everyone's second-favorite topic!
_____
* Unless I get a better offer ... or find another target who annoys me more. It could happen.
Just the once? Have you been sneaking in your own food?
We deny all knowledge of that. Cheffy uses only the freshest ingredients. It says so right on the menu, right under "Management Not Responsible for Poisoning Or Death."
See? That's how you know the Bar isn't responsible. If Cheffy's cooking had given you food poisoning, you would have said "One day, I知 fine, the next day, I知 dead and in the meat locker" ... or "being buried by a Zombie Dog." Gotta admit, that dog takes its work seriously.
Zany Zanes, Zombie Dog, Casomehano, and Thick-Billed Longspur
Hey uh there's someone at the door... it's the US government health department inspector.
Oh, just in time. Cheffy mentioned needing more meat for the Brunswick stew. Please show the inspector to the kitchen.
See, the joy on Brunswick stew is that the toughness and stringiness of the meat doesn't matter. Even sub-standard cuts of meat like an inspector will do.
No, you don't understand. He brought a gun. No, 2 guns, no 6 guns and a katana and a anti material rifle, and a lightsaber. WHERE IS HE GETTING THESE.
This Bar gets shot up, blown up, burned up, sucked up into black holes, and shat out of various cosmic anal-parts on an hourly basis. Since when do a handful of guns and sharp objects represent a credible threat?
Now, if the inspector had brought a vegan cookbook covered in Hello Kitty stickers?--That might be a threat. Mostly because Hello Kitty makes me want to wuff my cookies. Curse you, Sanrio Corporation!
He also brought... your mother...
Good. Cheffy likes to perform for an appreciative audience. My mom cheerfully admits to not being a good cook.
And as the World Health Organization will confirm, I've inherited her lack of cooking skills.
*yelling into the street*
IM NOT THE ONLY ONE!!!
Brocklandia and Swaraelia
You've never eaten anything I've cooked--Cheffy doesn't brook competition, and I'm not willing to take that risk--so I'm pretty sure you're not someone I've poisoned ... er, cooked for at all.
The reports of my death were greatly exaggerated, I was merely taking a nap in a cool environment. I have returned, and will try to remain. Can't promise I'll be anywhere near as active as I used to be. I need to find a flag again first off.
So, uhm, do you know anything about that busted latch on the meat locker?
Well, welcome back. Remember to twitch once in a while to remind us you aren't ready for another trip to "a cool environment."
*grabs the megaphone from under the bar*
Attention, everyone. In light of recent events today's special, the "Tercania tortellini," has been, uhm, postponed indefinitely. All together now ... "Awww!"
Zany Zanes, Tercania islands, Squadron Commander Lord Flashheart, Consuela de la Morrela, and 1 otherThick-Billed Longspur
It was at another restaurant in 2018. It痴 too late to sue them now.
Brocklandia and Swaraelia
It's not too late at all. The word you're looking for is "re-enactment." With some really theatrical projectile vomiting, maybe some thrashing and rolling around on the floor clutching your stomach. Make sure the other customers get good videos of it on their phones--juries eat that sort of stuff up.
Well, maybe "eat" is the wrong word when we're talking about food poisoning.
The weekend poetry contest has begun. Brocklandia is judgy.
Brocklandia, Zany Zanes, Ratfink, and Swaraelia
True--I have a Masters Degree in Judgmentalology, and I'm certified to practice in fourteen countries. I'd have gotten certified in a fifteenth, but it was a crap-hole ... See what I did there?
Anyway, let the pursuit of Third Place begin!
Food poisoning has happened in foreign places
Deathly sickness in front of strange faces
In China a feast of fried Cicadas and beer
Made us wish that death was near
A pizza in St. Albans sent us to bed
For three long days we wished we were dead
British pizza or Chinese Bugs,
Which was worse we cannot say
Of that cuisine just stay away!
Brocklandia, Zany Zanes, Ratfink, and Swaraelia
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