The Free Land of Witkacy is a colossal, cultured nation, ruled by Stanisław Ignacy Witkiewicz with an iron fist, and renowned for its teetotalling pirates, ban on automobiles, and public floggings. The hard-nosed, cynical, humorless population of 3.523 billion Witkacyians are kept under strict control by the oppressive government, which measures its success by the nation's GDP and refers to individual citizens as "human resources."

The medium-sized, corrupt, moralistic government juggles the competing demands of Law & Order, Defense, and Education. It meets to discuss matters of state in the capital city of Zakopane. The average income tax rate is 67.3%.

The frighteningly efficient Witkacyian economy, worth 444 trillion złoties a year, is fairly diversified and led by the Arms Manufacturing industry, with major contributions from Information Technology, Basket Weaving, and Book Publishing. Black market activity is rampant. State-owned companies are common. Average income is an impressive 126,193 złoties, and evenly distributed, with the richest citizens earning only 3.0 times as much as the poorest.

A National Academy regulates grammar and usage, sniffer dogs are trained to follow clouds of fruity-smelling vapor, requests for government aid can be forwarded to the beach, and the average video game can be completed over lunch break. Crime, especially youth-related, is totally unknown, thanks to a very well-funded police force and progressive social policies in education and welfare. Witkacy's national animal is the lion, which frolics freely in the nation's many lush forests.

Witkacy is ranked 50,694^th in the world and 10^th in Poland for Most Eco-Friendly Governments, scoring 1,937.8 on the Dolphin Recycling Awareness Index.