The United States of Weitzel is a behemoth, efficient nation, ruled by Der Kommissar with an even hand, and notable for its otherworldly petting zoo, public floggings, and infamous sell-swords. The hard-nosed, hard-working, devout population of 51.377 billion Weitzelese have some civil rights, but not too many, enjoy the freedom to spend their money however they like, to a point, and take part in free and open elections, although not too often.

The relatively small government prioritizes Defense, although Industry, Education, and Administration are also considered important, while Social Policy and International Aid aren't funded at all. It meets to discuss matters of state in the capital city of Smallville. The average income tax rate is 27.3%, but much higher for the wealthy.

The frighteningly efficient Weitzelian economy, worth an astonishing 12,515 trillion Smelly Farts a year, is broadly diversified and led by the Arms Manufacturing industry, with major contributions from Information Technology, Book Publishing, and Retail. Black market activity is notable. Average income is an amazing 243,604 Smelly Farts, and evenly distributed, with the richest citizens earning only 2.5 times as much as the poorest.

Notable individuals are granted land and titles, teachers prefer to give 'Maybe, Maybe Not' tests when dealing with sensitive subjects, big game hunters travel to Weitzel to try their hand at shark-shooting, and Renaissance frescos are being chiselled off public walls. Crime, especially youth-related, is pervasive, perhaps because of the country's complete lack of prisons. Weitzel's national animal is the duckbilled platypus, which is also the nation's favorite main course.

Weitzel is ranked 5,709^th in the world and 1^st in EWU for Smartest Citizens, with 122.02 quips per hour.