The United States of Weitzel is a gargantuan, efficient nation, ruled by Der Kommissar with an even hand, and renowned for its smutty television, pith helmet sales, and free-roaming dinosaurs. The hard-nosed, hard-working, devout population of 46.078 billion Weitzelese are either ruled by a sleek, efficient government or a conglomerate of multinational corporations; it's difficult to tell which.

The relatively small government prioritizes Defense, although Education, Industry, and Administration are also considered important, while Social Policy and International Aid are ignored. It meets to discuss matters of state in the capital city of Smallville. Citizens pay a flat income tax of 4.8%.

The frighteningly efficient Weitzelian economy, worth a remarkable 9,893 trillion Smelly Farts a year, is broadly diversified and led by the Arms Manufacturing industry, with major contributions from Information Technology, Beef-Based Agriculture, and Tourism. Average income is an amazing 214,704 Smelly Farts, but there is a large disparity between incomes, with the richest 10% of citizens earning 814,578 per year while the poor average 39,285, a ratio of 20.7 to 1.

Engine room hooch is the drink of choice among the nation's navy, the police have been swamped with requests to stay up past bedtime, earthquake sirens are a leading cause of hearing loss, and much of Weitzel's computer network is controlled by a rampant artificial intelligence. Crime is all-pervasive, perhaps because of the country's complete lack of prisons. Weitzel's national animal is the duckbilled platypus, which is also the nation's favorite main course.

Weitzel is ranked 288,121^st in the world and 1^st in EWU for Most Primitive, scoring -526.78 on the Scary Big Number Scale.