The Cool Pansexual Assassin of Upper Calvonia is a mammoth, efficient nation, ruled by Clarissa 'Red Knuckles' Hellivar with an iron fist, and remarkable for its teetotalling pirates, avant-garde cinema, and ban on automobiles. The hard-nosed, cynical, humorless, devout population of 7.83 billion Upper Calvonians are kept under strict control by the oppressive government, which measures its success by the nation's GDP and refers to individual citizens as "human resources."

The medium-sized, corrupt, moralistic, well-organized government juggles the competing demands of Administration, Industry, and Defense. It meets to discuss matters of state in the capital city of The City of Crime. The average income tax rate is 68.7%, and even higher for the wealthy.

The frighteningly efficient Upper Calvonian economy, worth a remarkable 1,911 trillion Blood-stained coins a year, is driven entirely by a combination of government and state-owned industry, with private enterprise illegal. However, for those in the know, there is an enormous, deeply entrenched, fairly diversified black market in Uranium Mining, Retail, Woodchip Exports, and Basket Weaving. The private sector mostly consists of enterprising ten-year-olds selling lemonade on the sidewalk, but the government is looking at stamping this out. Average income is an amazing 244,126 Blood-stained coins, and evenly distributed, with the richest citizens earning only 2.1 times as much as the poorest.

Clarissa 'Red Knuckles' Hellivar has returned as a hero from a brutal campaign to conquer the local beach, a stitch in time could see you serving nine, the Counter-Terrorism Unit has been nicknamed "Big Bad Wolf" for its tendency towards urban demolition, and a recent "genocide prevention" campaign includes murdering children based on their DNA. Crime is pervasive, with the police force struggling against a lack of funding and a high mortality rate. Upper Calvonia's national animal is the Black Mamba, which is also the nation's favorite main course, and its national religion is Worship of the Man Downstairs.

Upper Calvonia is ranked 330,210^th in the world and 750^th in Saint Osmund for Most Compassionate Citizens, scoring 9.4 on the Kitten Softness Rating.