The Sultanate of Sobbing Evil Turtle is a colossal, orderly nation, ruled by Shellby Slow with an iron fist, and notable for its teetotalling pirates, prohibition of alcohol, and lack of airports. The hard-nosed, cynical, humorless population of 8.551 billion Sobbing Evil Turtleans are kept under strict control by the oppressive government, which measures its success by the nation's GDP and refers to individual citizens as "human resources."

The minute, corrupt, moralistic, well-organized government, or what there is of one, juggles the competing demands of Administration, Education, and Industry. It meets to discuss matters of state in the capital city of Brutal Beach. The average income tax rate is 6.7%, but much higher for the wealthy.

The Sobbing Evil Turtlean economy, worth 580 trillion turtle eggs a year, is led by the Uranium Mining industry, with significant contributions from Woodchip Exports, Furniture Restoration, and Gambling. Black market activity is rampant. State-owned companies are common. Average income is 67,921 turtle eggs, and distributed extremely evenly, with little difference between the richest and poorest citizens.

Citizens are frequently searched for illegal weapons, the Sobbing Evil Turtlean Tourism Bureau has described the abolition of coastal defences as a "kick to the groyne", the military has had to quell a recent insurrection by uninsured revolutionaries, and peace talks occasionally rack up a higher body count than the wars they seek to stop. Crime is pervasive, with the police force struggling against a lack of funding and a high mortality rate. Sobbing Evil Turtle's national animal is the turtle, which teeters on the brink of extinction due to heavy metals seepage into national waterways, and its national religion is Tortosian.

Sobbing Evil Turtle is ranked 282,888^th in the world and 2^nd in Enewetak Atoll for Largest Insurance Industry, scoring -11.65 on the Risk Expulsion Effectiveness Rating.