The Matriarchy of Schmiddle Earth is a large, safe nation, remarkable for its lack of airports, rampant corporate plagiarism, and state-planned economy. The compassionate, democratic population of 166 million Schmidletts are free to do what they want with their own bodies, and vote for whomever they like in elections; if they go into business, however, they are regulated to within an inch of their lives.

The medium-sized, liberal government juggles the competing demands of Education, Welfare, and Healthcare. The average income tax rate is 30.6%, but much higher for the wealthy.

The sizeable but inefficient Schmiddle Earthian economy, worth 6.58 trillion Bones a year, is driven entirely by a combination of government and state-owned industry, with private enterprise illegal. The industrial sector is led by the Trout Farming industry, with significant contributions from Pizza Delivery, Beef-Based Agriculture, and Gambling. Average income is 39,642 Bones, and distributed extremely evenly, with little difference between the richest and poorest citizens.

Cassocked priests and choirboys believe that what happens behind closed doors stays behind closed doors, the Ministry of Health has reported a sharp increase in the incidence of delayed menopause, Loud Patriotic Music Day has been ranked the seventh best new holiday of the year, and the government guarantees extra-soft tissues to fire-snorting elephants. Crime is totally unknown. Schmiddle Earth's national animal is the Fag, which frolics freely in the nation's many lush forests.

Schmiddle Earth is ranked 27,799^th in the world and 3^rd in Vaagot Land for Nicest Citizens, with 20.7 average smiles per day.