The Crimson Rum Keg of Pirates Lair is a titanic, pleasant nation, ruled by The Pirate King with an even hand, and notable for its barren, inhospitable landscape, smutty television, and ritual sacrifices. The hard-nosed population of 21.089 billion Pirates have some civil rights, but not too many, enjoy the freedom to spend their money however they like, to a point, and look forward to their next free and open election, to be held on an as-yet unannounced date.

The medium-sized government juggles the competing demands of Defense, Welfare, and Education. It meets to discuss matters of state in the capital city of The Shivered Timbers Tavern. The average income tax rate is 27.8%, but much higher for the wealthy.

The Pirate economy, worth 917 trillion Great Bights a year, is broadly diversified and led by the Retail industry, with major contributions from Arms Manufacturing, Beef-Based Agriculture, and Soda Sales. Black market activity is notable. State-owned companies are reasonably common. Average income is 43,511 Great Bights, and evenly distributed, with the richest citizens earning only 2.5 times as much as the poorest.

Scenic tours are unheard of after most environmental laws were abolished, the government makes bereaved siblings into bereaved orphans, men's magazines give handy tips on the most effective way to throw heavy stones, and it is a common belief that a sport isn't sport if there are no decapitations. Crime is moderate, with the police force struggling against a lack of funding and a high mortality rate. Pirates Lair's national animal is the French Poodle, which teeters on the brink of extinction due to widespread deforestation, and its national religion is The Crimson Order.

Pirates Lair is ranked 165,092^nd in the world and 35^th in Distorted Memories for Most Eco-Friendly Governments, scoring 339.23 on the Dolphin Recycling Awareness Index.