The Dáxlamic Purchase Territory of Illegitimatexas is a colossal, efficient nation, ruled by Lýderis Bradford John with an even hand, and renowned for its compulsory military service, suspicion of poets, and spontaneously combusting cars. The hard-nosed, hard-working, devout population of 6.431 billion Illegitimatexasians are free to succeed or fail in life on their own merits; the successful tend to enjoy an opulent (but moralistic) lifestyle, while the failures can be seen crowding out most jails.

The relatively small, moralistic, pro-business government juggles the competing demands of Defense, Administration, and Law & Order. It meets to discuss matters of state in the capital city of Crawford. Citizens pay a flat income tax of 11.3%.

The powerhouse Illegitimatexasian economy, worth 381 trillion big ol' pints a year, is led by the Arms Manufacturing industry, with significant contributions from Gambling, Beef-Based Agriculture, and Retail. Average income is 59,386 big ol' pints, but there is a large disparity between incomes, with the richest 10% of citizens earning 234,164 per year while the poor average 10,209, a ratio of 22.9 to 1.

The dish 'poisson avec poison' is only available on the black market, signs saying "No Poor People or Weirdoes" are common outside shops and cafés, new treatments are rejected if they cannot be explained using only one-syllable words, and the nation operates a "finders-keepers" policy with other nations' citizens. Crime is a serious problem, possibly because it is difficult to make it through a day without breaking one of the country's many regulations. Illegitimatexas's national animal is the herds of 'em longhorns, which can occasionally be seen sifting through garbage in the nation's cities, and its national religion is Dáxlam.

Illegitimatexas is ranked 100,030^th in the world and 3^rd in Randovia for Most Corrupt Governments, with 13.06 kickbacks per hour.