The Incorporated States of Function Key is a massive, safe nation, renowned for its closed borders. The quiet, industrious population of 2.354 billion Function Keyians are highly moralistic and fiercely conservative, in the sense that they tend to believe most things should be outlawed. People who have good jobs and work quietly at them are lauded; others are viewed with suspicion.

The medium-sized government juggles the competing demands of Law & Order, Defense, and Welfare. The average income tax rate is 29.4%, but much higher for the wealthy.

The sizeable but inefficient Function Keyian economy, worth 99.6 trillion Keys a year, is led by the Beef-Based Agriculture industry, with major contributions from Book Publishing, Basket Weaving, and Uranium Mining. State-owned companies are common. Average income is 42,318 Keys, and evenly distributed, with the richest citizens earning only 2.4 times as much as the poorest.

Baby dolls thrown in the trash are a leading cause of panic attacks, Leader spends weekends doing the laundry of foreign leaders, funding for education has been redirected into the military, and being nicknamed "Orange Face" has done Leader's credibility no favours. Crime is totally unknown, thanks to a well-funded police force and progressive social policies in education and welfare. Function Key's national animal is the Caps, which frolics freely in the nation's many lush forests.

Function Key is ranked 103,222^nd in the world and 9^th in Boston for Most Cultured, scoring 66 on the Snufflebottom-Wiggendum Pentatonic Scale.