The Red Guardian of Cemetery Sentinals is a gargantuan, environmentally stunning nation, ruled by Crypt Kicker with an even hand, and notable for its public floggings, pith helmet sales, and stringent health and safety legislation. The hard-nosed, humorless, devout population of 16.349 billion Cemetery Sentinalsians are highly moralistic and fiercely conservative, in the sense that they tend to believe most things should be outlawed. People who have good jobs and work quietly at them are lauded; others are viewed with suspicion.

The medium-sized, corrupt government juggles the competing demands of Law & Order, Defense, and Industry. It meets to discuss matters of state in the capital city of Chingford Mount. Citizens pay a flat income tax of 47.4%.

The frighteningly efficient Cemetery Sentinalsian economy, worth a remarkable 3,095 trillion Tombs a year, is broadly diversified and mostly comprised of black market activity, especially in Arms Manufacturing, Information Technology, Uranium Mining, and Beef-Based Agriculture. State-owned companies are common. Average income is an impressive 189,332 Tombs, but there is a significant disparity between incomes, with the richest 10% of citizens earning 585,501 per year while the poor average 47,202, a ratio of 12.4 to 1.

Customer satisfaction with online delivery services is at an all time high, spoiler warnings are now given out before political speeches, there's a bright dawn ahead for Cemetery Sentinals, and plain-clothes police officers follow Dàguó tourists everywhere they go. Crime, especially youth-related, is totally unknown, thanks to a well-funded police force and progressive social policies in education and welfare. Cemetery Sentinals's national animal is the Red Fox, which frolics freely in the nation's many lush forests, and its national religion is Cremationism.

Cemetery Sentinals is ranked 243,310^th in the world and 2^nd in War Weary for Most Primitive, scoring -133.44 on the Scary Big Number Scale.