The Stupidly Big Police State of Cafe Hell is a colossal, efficient nation, ruled by Cafehito with an iron fist, and renowned for its deadly medical pandemics, keen interest in outer space, and lack of airports. The hard-nosed, cynical, humorless population of 6.73 billion Cafehito little playthings are ruled without fear or favor by a psychotic dictator, who outlaws just about everything and refers to the populace as "my little playthings."

The large, corrupt, moralistic, well-organized government is primarily concerned with Defense, with Law & Order, Industry, and Administration also on the agenda, while International Aid receives no funds. It meets to discuss matters of state in the capital city of Cafeburg. The average income tax rate is 98.3%.

The frighteningly efficient Cafehito little plaything economy, worth a remarkable 2,804 trillion Cryptoes a year, is driven entirely by a combination of government and state-owned industry, with private enterprise illegal. However, for those in the know, there is an enormous, deeply entrenched, quite specialized black market in Arms Manufacturing, Information Technology, and Uranium Mining. The private sector mostly consists of enterprising ten-year-olds selling lemonade on the sidewalk, but the government is looking at stamping this out. Average income is an amazing 416,667 Cryptoes, and distributed extremely evenly, with little difference between the richest and poorest citizens.

The nationalistic national anthem inspires citizens to literally spit at foreigners, family trees become bare as entire branches are lopped off, caps with skulls on them are the height of fashion, and a new generation of aquariumless hotels are being built under government supervision. Crime, especially youth-related, is totally unknown, thanks to a well-funded police force and progressive social policies in education and welfare. Cafe Hell's national animal is the Humans, which teeters on the brink of extinction due to widespread deforestation, and its national religion is Flanelism.

Cafe Hell is ranked 290,506^th in the world and 105^th in Arakeia for Most Beautiful Environments, with 1.74 pounds of wildlife per square mile.