The South PacificBoard

This past Friday, during a speech regarding something more-or-less specific, a would-be assassin made an attempt on High Chief Heiʻuraʻs life. The perpetrator ran into nearby wilderness where he was later found dead by investigators, mauled by a passing rabbit.

In a statement regarding the incident, the High Chief said, "His hair: WACK! His gear: WACK! His jewelry: WACK! His foot stance: WACK! The way he talks: WACK! The way he doesnt even like to smile: WACK!"

Itʻs known that the suspect was a 96 year old professional helicopter impersonator. In a manifesto found in the suspects super-secret, no-girls-allowed treehouse, he states to support the Neo-Neo-Liberal-Neo-Conservative-Liberal cause and was moved to make an attempt on the High Chiefʻs life because he really wants to pet a horse one day.

People across the nation have displayed their support for the High Chief by going about their day wearing nothing but an alligator meat hat tied to their heads and covering the windows of their homes and businesses with Nutella. Sympathizers to the assassins agenda are showing their support by going about their day wearing nothing but a crocodile meat hat tied to their heads and covering the windows of their homes and businesses with generic brand hazelnut cocoa spread.

Security has been increased at the High Chiefʻs house in what some are calling a "unjust power-grab" consisting of the dismissal of all the High Chiefʻs entire security personnel and a secure perimeter being constructed around the premises entirely made of rugby cleats.

More details forthcoming.