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An actual quotation from this morning's meeting with my friends ... er, cabinet ministers!
Friend: I don't want the kinds of problems that can only be cured with therapy. I want the kinds of problems that can only be cured with lots and lots of sex.
Me: Yeah, but the real issue is you're not willing to pay therapist-level rates to get it.
Zany Zanes, YouTube Inc, Consuela de la Morrela, Ambrossa, and 1 otherThick-Billed Longspur
Your threats are empty. You know that haiku-like fiasco I submitted was nowhere good enough for First Place.
Zany Zanes, Ambrossa, and Thick-Billed Longspur
Brock comes from the word brocc. Oh no! I put beaver instead of badger! I guess Brocklandia should now be called Badgerlandia!
Brocklandia and Ambrossa
Badgerlandia is two countries over that-a-way. Wear protective clothing before you visit there. Those badgers are cranky bastids, and they'll go right for your ankles with their sharp, sharp teeth. Obvious Badgerlandia is popular only with a specialized type of tourist.
Fun fact: Neither my high school's nor my college's mascots were badgers. Which is fine because even most badger mascots are people in badger costumes instead of actual cheerleading badgers. Okay, so that's less "fun" but it's still a "fact." Gimma a B!
Zombie Penguins, Zany Zanes, YouTube Inc, Songs you dont understand, and 2 othersAmbrossa, and Thick-Billed Longspur
Post self-deleted by Songs you dont understand.
[Eats some birb seeds off a counter top] [notices a 🐝 buzzing around]
Brocklandia and Ambrossa
Apparently birds have a well-developed sense of appreciation for puns ... or bees. Or--*shudder!*--both. Some developments are just too cruel to contemplate.
Ambrossa and Thick-Billed Longspur
Swats at the buzzing insect...
*further buzzing noises*
Goes to look for that Flammenwerfer 5000 again.
Ambrossa and Thick-Billed Longspur
[Gives a [totally not intoxicating] "Water" in a glass]
Look in the special secret supply room next to TheOrc's office. Aisle 14, shelf 3, next to the dirty nukes ... Which you should absolutely clean while you're back there.
Consuela de la Morrela and Ambrossa
Always go for the last option on each list. That way you're likely to create an authoritarian regime with you as absolute lord--because what could be more fun than being master of the realm, beholden to none. Of course, if the thought of orphans wailing and begging in the snow for coins keeps you awake at night, then outlaw snow and have those orphans shipped off to a work camp in the outer provinces. You'll sleep like a log after that.
But if you're pecking at a wall o' text, doesn't that make you a woodpecker instead of a longspur?
Zany Zanes, Ambrossa, and Thick-Billed Longspur
SEE YOU REAL SOON.
Zombie Penguins, Zany Zanes, and Ambrossa
I enjoy seeing our customers make a love-match. Remember, we have rooms available upstairs for rent by the hour. Or if you can't last that long, would you prefer our five-minute rate?
Zany Zanes, The Grimm Reaper, Ambrossa, and Thick-Billed Longspur
Brocklandia, Drunkndisorderly, Zany Zanes, Ambrossa, and 1 otherThick-Billed Longspur
Oh, Consuela de la Morrela, hurry up with that flamethrower. If I don't win Third Place, I might have a new use for it.
Drunkndisorderly, Zany Zanes, YouTube Inc, Consuela de la Morrela, and 1 otherAmbrossa
and they called flamethrowers boring
Ok let me get my computer. I'll announce the winner in a few hours when I can easily go and find the entries
Yikes
I have a flame tank
Brocklandia and Ambrossa
Flamethrowers are never boring. That's why, by a well-established precedent that I'm in the process of making up right now, they're one of three types of weapons allowed in duels here at the Bar. The other two?--Crossbows and karaoke high notes from German opera. Yep, those are the official weapons: crossbows, karaoke German opera, and flamethrowers. So next time a major disagreement breaks out here on the RMB ...
This is a minor revision to a real long-established precedent, in which flamethrowers are one of the weapons allowed in Bar fights. I'm just adding the other two--because there's a global flamethrower fuel crisis going on, you know. Sometimes everyone's first choice just isn't available.
Plus, you can toast marshmallows over a flamethrower. Everybody loves fresh s'mores.
Well, give it back. Stealing it from the Bar's weapons cache ... er, storeroom ... doesn't make it yours. And while we're on the topic, let's talk about all those suspiciously familiar listings you've posted on Blackmarket-dot-com.
Well, then, that gives you a great incentive to make the right judgment ... unless you're really good with a crossbow or at singing German opera.
Zany Zanes, YouTube Inc, Consuela de la Morrela, Ambrossa, and 1 otherThick-Billed Longspur
I built my flame tank
And we appreciate your creative use of--are those lamb chop bones?--your creative use of found and repurposed materials. Very "green" of you. But those fuel tanks and anything else with the Bar's logo stamped on them really should be returned.
Zany Zanes, Pricane, and Ambrossa
At third place we have...
At second place we have...
And First Place goes to....
A few Honorary Mentions:
Brocklandia, Zombie Penguins, Zany Zanes, Ratfink, and 5 othersSideways silas, Songs you dont understand, Consuela de la Morrela, The road crew, and Thick-Billed Longspur
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