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DispatchBulletinNews

by Dub dizzle. . 6 reads.

Zombie Apocalypse 2015

11/02/2015

Celebrations have begun in Pripyat today as authorities have declared victory in the predicted 'Zombie Apocalypse'. The annual insurrection carried out by foreign backed anarchists, unemployed thespians, local slobs and other malcontents disguised as 'zombies' has been put down once again with the help of neighbouring Wysterian nations. Due to negligence and a lack of foresight on the rebels part, intelligence officials were able to ascertain the exact date and time of the planned rebellion which allowed them to organize an effective response ahead of time. As a result, all of the insurgents were neutralized without inflicting a single casualty for the first time since the rebellions began.

Earlier today officials from the Ministry of Justice announced that investigations will begin immediately to identify all instigators and collaborators in the 2015 insurrection. Anyone determined to have hobbled/staggered/stumbled/limped or otherwise with the ranks of the 'undead' will be swiftly prosecuted in secret before a hostile and bias judiciary. In the meantime, work has begun to rebuild the cities of Dub Dizzle that were destroyed during the coordinated carpet bombing campaign that neutralized the 'zombie' threat with chemical and biological agents of a dubious nature.

In related news, elderly rockers 'The Cure' emerged from the ruins of Pripyat and surprised suspicious citizens with an impromptu concert shortly after the uprising was quelled. The sparsely attended show was cut short when the local police chief had them arrested for being in the country illegally. An investigation is currently underway to determine how they bypassed border controls and to identify whether Robert Smith may actually be a zombie.

- Ministry of Information

Dub dizzle

Edited:

RawReport