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by The Government Shutdown of Omigodtheykilledkenny. . 265 reads.

Boygroups, volleyball, scandal: Kennyites elect a president

PARADISE CITY, Omigodtheykilledkenny --- President Sammy Faisano's Election Night Victory Party this week was a surprisingly sober affair.

Bad news for the candidate? Nope -- Faisano won the election in a walk -- it's just that no one's been the same since Kane Tariq, the only Xt'Tapolopaquetl member of No Direction, announced he was leaving the group.

Even amidst the Palestine Hotel ballroom's nominally celebratory atmosphere complete with balloons, confetti streamers, "Faisano Once More!" banners and No Doubt music, various attendees, from crying fangirls to whiny gay boys to mournful Sparkle Cows, fought back tears and collapsed into one another in supportive embraces as they reacted to the national tragedy.

"I can't believe this is happening!" Vice President Jessie McArthur sobbed to the gathered throng. "Why, it was just last week I was holding Kane against his will in my basement, and I asked him: 'You'd never leave us for some other boygroup, would you?' And he said, muffled, through the duct tape over his mouth; something like: 'Let me out of here, you crazy bitch!'" She managed a chuckle through her tears. "Oh, he always knew how to make me laugh!" (For the record, McArthur was not affiliated with the Faisano campaign, but will crash just about any party for a little attention.)

"And when he--" the vice president choked through renewed sobs, "licked whipped cream off my cleavage -- because I told him it was the only way he'd get out of my house alive -- he made me so happy! I would have flung myself down on my knees right there for him, if it weren't for that damn 'statutory rape' law!"


Faisano supporters react to Kane's tragic departure from No Direction.

Minutes later, after security dragged McArthur off the stage, Faisano came out to console his supporters: "We are all devastated this evening as we acknowledge the loss of our beloved Kane, Linkbut we must soldier on. And as we as a nation move forward, I must urge calm from all of you here tonight. Especially those of you seeking to 'purify' us in the name of Allah -- Susa, I'm looking in your direction -- because it would be a shame to mess up this beautiful ballroom. It's great being named warden of this insane asylum for another five years. Thank you and good night!"

From her "Bouncy Beach Volleyball Court" in Malibu Islands, The Palentine Empress Jhessan Spaulding offered her take on the week's events: "Good news! That No Direction crew is officially one-fifth less annoying!" she hailed. "And good on that pansy-ass Sammy for actually winning something for once. His last couple of tangos with Yours Truly were absolute disasters! By the way, I'm still waiting on that rematch, biyotch!"

Needless to say, though garnering the support of 54% of the Kennyite voting public on Tuesday (against 45% for his Liberal challenger, former ambassador to Gruenberg Angela Heinekenbinger-Weisencunt), Faisano did not earn the empress' full-throated endorsement in his bid for president in his own right. Not that anyone with the unlucky fortune of having to follow Jhessan's favorite man-toy, Manuelo Fernanda, in the job would have much of a chance to begin with.

(For those of you wondering what happened to former President Fernanda, in 2012 he nearly choked a hooker to death and had to flee to Jhessan's volleyball resort, making then-VP Faisano president. For those of you wondering what happened to former Vice President Antigone Morgan, keep reading.)

But the president did win a photo-op with Her Hottness, when his friend Morgan (during a film-shoot for her critically reviled reality show "Antigone Morgan's Antarctica") dragged him to Jhessan's Malibu Islands refuge for a little R&R and ended up facing off against the empress and gal-pal Cutey Sakai in an impromptu 2-on-2 match. They lost.


Jhessan revels in another victory over Faisano.
"Predictable," sniffed Jhessan afterward. "Although I have to hand it to Antigone, for being brave enough to sport a bikini even after all this time -- how old is she now? 50? Damn, that rack has not stood the test of time. They were sagging so low, I'm shocked they didn't whip up and slam her in the face every time she bumped the ball!"

And there was even more grief in store for Morgan and Faisano, when the ever-present paparazzi snapped a shot of the former VP giving her friend a celebratory pat on the ass after setting him up for a perfect spike against the Palentine babes. The Kennyite press indulged themselves for weeks afterward, drooling over the photo and the inevitable speculation as to whether the president was "hitting that" again.

Faisano's win was even more impressive in the wake of the scandal, as well as an incident in the Palentine capital The 'Burgh when Faisano showed up at an "Artistic" Film Festival in support of Jhessan's favorite Alex Tehrani, and ended up being invited to address the Imperial Senate without the empress' assent, an apparent violation of protocol. The episode prompted Jhessan to retreat in a huff to her volleyball court to lick her wounds (and Manuelo's *bleep!*).

In other election news, leaders of allies and enemies of the Federal Republic alike raced in fright to seal themselves in secure bunkers when Jack Riley, the bomb-throwing Kennyite secretary of state and ex-UN ambassador, won the vice-presidency, beating out Liberal candidate Clover Hippychick.

Ambassador Angela had spent the campaign lambasting Faisano and Riley's foreign policy as a "terrifying surge of demonic fury emerging from the ninth circle of hell, leaving a trail of misery and devastation in its wake. Then there's that evil skull they've been using as 'gatekeeper' of the region; he's just freaky."

During Faisano's presidency, the Kennyite Armed Forces not only invaded the planet Mars but also seized the famed WA Death Star. Then they invaded and briefly occupied the island of Unibot for good measure, staying just long enough to plant their flag and graffiti a welcome sign. Unibot III CEO Eduard Heir angrily denounced the mission as a "tag-raid," and called upon the "RRA" to retaliate, but no one knew what the heck he was talking about.

When the Faisano Administration's foreign misadventures actually proved more popular after earning that feminazi mega-skank Angela's scorn, she desperately accused Faisano of being a "brony." She was somewhat vindicated when journalists rifling through the president's trash uncovered a receipt for three MLP action figures, though Faisano claimed they were gifts for his nieces.

International reaction to the election results has been largely muted. Ardchoille's (Wrongful) Minister of Foreign Affairs Avaya Thibaudet, author of the bestselling Faisano expose "I (Almost) Married a Dud," faulted the Kennyites for "sentencing" her ex-fiance to five more years in public service. The WA Secretariat, meanwhile, threatened to "Discard" the election returns for the "forced-roleplay violation" of Faisano declaring himself "the luckiest man on the face of the Earth" in his victory speech.

Reporters at the General Assembly caught Iron Felix in his office watching a snippet of Kennyite election coverage, and asked for his take.

"Eh, what else is on?" he wondered as he clicked the remote.

*snow*

RawReport