The 1st National Congress

Last week in the Selva Rojan capital of Lucario, the first ever national congress was held. These congress events have only just been introduced. The aim of them is to foster unity between the masses and the party. The nature of the congress is quite different from how other countries may hold something similar. It is a blend between a convention and a traditional congress. The event runs for 8 hours, from 10am to 6pm. All people are invited, except for those on the blacklist. Guests can come inside, learn about the way the government works from the different stalls and purchase books from socialist authors. There are also meet and greets done by government officials and trade union bosses. The congressional event is divided up into two segments. The first half of the day is for the guests to enjoy the convention aspect of the congress.

In the second half, the people and party officials make their way to the stadium. Just before the address starts, the workers will come round with food carts. The carts supply guests with cheap affordable Leninade, Turnip and bread fried rice and cannabis gummies. Once the congress starts, it is time for the national anthem. The electric speakers play the anthem for all guests to hear. Then the highly skilled Selva Rojan choir will pull out the instruments and cook up a banger of a performance (as they always do). Everyone is encouraged to sing along. After the anthem, a few more socialist songs will be played, like the Internationale. Once the performance ends after around 30 minutes, the chairwoman/chairman will begin the congressional address.

The Congressional Addresses

This was our chairwoman’s address at the congress last week:

“Two years ago, the party (Anti-Revisionist Communist Party) with me at its helm abolished the multiparty system that our nation previously had. We have since then become a one-party state and renamed the ARCP to the PSP (People’s Socialist Party) to show that we are inclusive of all socialists. As controversial as the measure was at the time, it has proven to be an effective measure. This measure has allowed us to improve the efficiency of our political system, maintain our democratic spirit and keep pro capitalist influence at bay. Through unity we have been strengthened!

Since then, we have been able to effectively steer the nation. The economy continues to grow, crime plummets ever further and our lifespans grow ever longer. No man lives as long as they do in our nation, and no man goes hungry with the poorest making an average of 50 grand a year. Same situation with healthcare and education, all in the nation flourish thanks to our extensive investment in public services.
In recent months the wealth gap between rich and poor has started to shrink thanks to the policies put into place by the party. We are also drafting up a bill to fully renationalise our industry, which is the final step towards socialism. The other major task on our agenda is to abolish child labour. Comrade Del Campo (previous president of Selva Roja) originally implemented the policy to help build up the national industry. Even under his circumstances, this was a mistake, we would have been fine without the policy. That concludes my speech to you all, I will now pass you over to our minister of defence who will brief you all on the recent threats that have come to our nation.”

The Question Time Segment

After around 90 minutes, with the party officials and guest speakers giving their speeches, the question time segment began. Question time is a tradition held in Selva Roja that used to only be broadcast on TV. The party members would sit, and answer questions made to them on social media while being broadcast live. Now these events are to be held at the congress. The event has a duration of two hours.
This time around, controversy was made when a guest asked comrade Hector Bolivar, the minister of transport whether he would crack a femboy. The minister stated that he would and made the claim that it’s not gay to do so. His claim was if it walks like a duck and talks like a duck then it is one, he then claimed that the meat stick on the duck is irrelevant. This statement was very controversial, and many heated debates have occurred between major political figures in the aftermath. The guest then accused the minister of being a “closeted numpty”. The situation then settled down after comrade Reagan interrupted the spat by screaming in the minister's ear. The minister reacted by moaning the word “harder daddy”. Which is a very strange reaction indeed. Interestingly, one of our fellow reporters has made the claim that he had an encounter with the minister at a café bathroom in 2018. This story really is getting juicy!

As the congress ended, the speakers thanked the people for showing up and played the national anthem one last time while the people made their way out of the congress.