A Brief Guide to Political Terminology

It has come to my attention that when talking politics, people often talk past each other, in part because we use such different definitions. Therefore, I've compiled some key political terms and their actual, American, and leftist definitions (this is meant to be a dumb joke, don’t take it too seriously).

Liberalism
Actual: A political philosophy that supports a free-market capitalist economy, civil liberties, legal equality, due process, democracy, secularism, religious freedom, freedom of speech and freedom of the press.
American: Whatever the Democratic Party happens to support in a given moment. It aims to bring communism to America through big government and erasing Christianity.
Leftist: Fascism.

Conservatism
Actual: A political philosophy that supports preserving traditional social customs and institutions.
American: Whatever the Republican Party happens to support in a given moment. Its purpose is to oppress women and any person who is not an old straight white male.
Leftist: Liberalism.

Capitalism
Actual: A political philosophy in which the means of production are privately owned and run, as opposed to being run by the state or other social entities.
American: Whenever a corporation does something.
Leftist: A term used to describe the cause of something bad. For instance, I stubbed my toe this morning thanks to capitalism.

Socialism
Actual: A political philosophy in which the means of production are socially owned, as opposed to owned by private individuals.
American: Whenever the government does something. See Bill Maher or any Fox News pundit.
Leftist: When the means of production are owned by the workers.

Communism
Actual: An economic ideology characterised by common ownership of the means of production and the abolition of money and social class. A subset of socialism.
American: When a totalitarian government controls every facet of a persons life.
Leftist: Same as actual.

Fascism
Actual: An authoritarian and ultranationalist ideology that stresses loyalty to a state or nation, in addition to being characterised by dictatorial power, forcible suppression of opposition, and strong regimentation of society and of the economy.
American: The ideology of the opposing political party.
Leftist: Capitalism.

State Capitalism
Actual: A nonsensical term coined by socialists to blame the failures of socialism on capitalism.
American: Whenever a state-owned corporation does anything.
Leftist: When the means of production is owned by the state and the economy collapses.

Neoliberalism
Actual: A centre-right political movement characterised by the resurgence of liberal economic ideas, including support for a competitive market economy, deregulation, privatisation, globalisation, free trade, and a reduction in government spending.
American: Anything I don't like but a member of the political establishment supports. Synonym for globalist.
Leftist: Same as American.

Imperialism
Actual: A policy of extending rule over foreign nations through military force.
American: Same as actual.
Leftist: When the American government engages in free-market policies that affect other nations, or when they sanction authoritarian socialist regimes for human rights abuses.

Republic
Actual: A system of government where power lies in the hands of elected representatives. Typically excludes monarchies.
American: A democratic system of government with a constitution constraining the exercise of power.
Leftist: Same as actual.

Democracy
Actual: A system of government where decision making power is derived from the people, whether directly or indirectly.
American: Two wolves and a lamb voting on dinner.
Leftist: Socialism.