Cupid crashes president-elect's victory party!

Look out, NS world! Capt. Chiang, the "terror of the WA," takes office June 6.

PARADISE CITY --- Spying on colleagues, torturing journalists, tormenting terror detainees, committing genocide against the gnomes, blasting a space fleet with the Death Star -- and that's just the stuff she did at the World Assembly. Now the Kennyite voters have given Capt. Jenny Chiang a slim mandate to take her extreme nationalist policies...well, national.

And if electing as president a borderline-psychotic bomb-thrower who has vowed to complete a "Great Space Elevator" to transport illegals to orbital detention facilities, firebomb the West Pacific as punishment for "unleashing a viral pandemic on the world," bully the country's neighbors till they relent on their plans to build border walls to keep the Kennyites out, and who personally carries a stack of sharpened reeds in her pocket in case anyone looks at her funny, might seem drastic even by Kennyite standards -- just consider what she was running against.

Independent socialist challenger Vernel Sandberg, the long-serving 79-year-old congressman who constantly rants about "the kids today" and hates...practically everyone, pledged to turn Omigodtheykilledkenny into another Venezuela and decimate the military so as to direct more resources to battle the "real threat" to the nation, climate change. It's all he talked about: climate change this, climate change that...having a bad hair day? It's probably climate change. Look up in the sky! It's a bird, it's a plane, no it's climate change! For this, the national media of course practically worshiped Sandberg as a divine prophet, but Chiang beat him all the same, 378 electoral votes to 365.

But it seems that merely terrorizing the world at large just won't be enough for the new president-elect as she prepares to move out of WA headquarters and into the presidential penthouse at 10 Frowning Street: she apparently wants to terrorize anyone who dares visit the nation's capital as well...because she's taking her sleazebag terrorist boyfriend along with her, as she acknowledged in her acceptance speech last night.

"You know, I couldn't have done this alone," Chiang told supporters from her campaign HQ. "To all the people who volunteered, working tirelessly day and night, making calls and interrupting people's dinners, harassing people on the street with fliers, producing all those campaign commercials that made voters want to shoot their TV sets, from the bottom of my heart, thank you. And to one special person who deserves a lot more than thanks -- the one who threatened to blow up anyone who dared vote against me --" (laughter) "-- Susa, will you come up here and join me?"

The crowd cheered joyously as Susa Batko-Yovino, wearing a spotless white tux for the occasion, approached the dais. As he climbed the steps, however, some of the white bunting framing the stage caught him and tore off in his hair; also, some of the illegal fireworks he was planning on setting off later started to fall out of the inner pockets in his jacket. These he quickly picked up and grasped securely with both hands.

Chiang got down on one knee and produced a small jewelry box, prompting the audience to gush with girlish glee, as though it were an episode of "Friends." "Susa, baby, will you make me the happiest woman alive and be my sex-slave for life?"

"Oh, I will, I will, I will!" Susa squealed, clutching his "bouquet," jumping up and down and making his "veil" bob as the crowd exploded with ecstasy.

Chiang opened the box and slipped the ugliest man-ring you ever saw onto his finger, and the two kissed, extendedly, groping each other and sharing perhaps a little too much tongue for an ostensibly romantic occasion as this.

(This incident may come as quite a shock to many viewers of "World Assembly," who are probably still under the impression that the infamous jihadist and his parole officer were just using each other for sex this whole time. However, sources at the WA have said that "sparks of actual romance" between them began to fly after Batko-Yovino learned that Chiang had been secretly torturing another terror suspect behind his back, and promptly beat the snot out of him.)

While the couple's hormonal display at the victory party may not been exactly in keeping with social-distancing guidelines, believe it or not the standing-room-only crowd was. It was actually a clever simulation created by holographic projectors situated throughout the venue. The real audience was safe at home, watching on their TVs or laptops, forgetting what month it was, wondering why their pets were starting to avoid them after so much time sheltering in place, and constantly thinking up new ways to keep their kids occupied, to keep their minds off wanting to kill them.

The virtual lockdown throughout the nation presented many difficulties for both candidates as they continued to vie for votes in online settings, including an impromptu "debate" when they were both invited to participate in a "quarantine" cover of "My Sweet Lord" on YouTube, with dozens of vacuous but well-meaning celebrities singing along from their respective homes. Capt. Chiang and Sandberg eventually found themselves screaming incoherently at each other while the other participants, some playing tambourines, belted out the "Hare Krishna" chorus.

Love wins! Chiang's (virtual) supporters react rapturously to her surprise engagement.

A record number of mail-in ballots were cast as voters reluctantly complied with stay-at-home orders, while many drug stores with drive-up services volunteered to operate the country's first "drive-thru voting" stations, where citizens could safely cast their ballots AND refill their mandatory lithium prescriptions. Complimentary scoops of Thrifty ice cream were offered as an incentive.

Meanwhile, elder clowns visiting old-people's homes were provided tablets with specially encrypted software so residents could vote from safety of their own rec-rooms. Several riots ensued when clowns ran out of special balloon animals with the "I voted" slogan printed on the side. "Screw this," one angry clown was overheard growling as he ripped off his already-torn costume, shed his rainbow wig and goofy oversized shoes, and raced for the nearest unemployment office.

Speaking of riots, the notorious Kennyite "rent-a-rioters," to avoid catching the West Pacific virus, canceled their annual election-day descent onto the nation's city streets to foment chaos and destruction, choosing instead to call 911 and have the police come to them so they could pelt them with rocks and overturn their squad cars.

As the nation looks forward to hopefully "reopening for business" in time for the June inauguration, the Chiang transition has been suddenly plunged into overtime with inaugural festivities and now a wedding to organize. Batko-Yovino will be Omigodtheykilledkenny's first presidential spouse in 15 years. (The last two presidents were bachelors.) He will also be the first ever male spouse, as Chiang will be the nation's first female president -- although women's groups are already suing to have an asterisk put next to her name in history books, as the captain is decidedly NOT the annoying whiny victim constantly griping about "mansplaining" and "toxic masculinity" that the nation's feminist crusaders were ardently hoping for.

"Chiang is just toxic masculinity with a vagina. What a travesty for women's rights," tweeted out Alyssa Milano.

"Might want to have an OB/GYN give her a pelvic exam to make sure she even has a vagina," replied Brie Larson.

Chiang boasted on the (virtual) campaign trail that she had "bigger balls than all the previous male presidents combined," and was thus better equipped to handle international crises.

Despite the protests (and exit polls showing she actually lost among women voters) Chiang does retain a fair number of female supporters, including clueless "girl squad" pop singer Tyler Slack, who tweeted, "this is so freakin awesome its like we just elected an avengers character #chickskickass".

International reaction to the election (and Chiang's engagement) has been mixed. "Big Bertha's not gonna like this," quipped South Jenstown's Suzanne Chambers. "Susa's been on her wish-list since he sent her that audition tape for 'Are You as Clueless as a Jeniac?'" Meanwhile, the so-called #GigglethonChallenge has gone viral in that country as thousands of Jeniacs film themselves giggling incessantly at the Kennyites for electing another psychopath as their leader.

At The Palentine imperial court, observers have noted Empress Jhessan's uncharacteristic reticence about the election, though she is said to favor Chiang. Apparently she does not want to risk offending her husband, who still harbors much ill-will toward the Kennyite political establishment. "I still think I could have taken that Faisano guy," the prince consort reportedly told an aid. "He was a pushover; at least that's what Jhessan says. This Chiang lady seems like she'll be much harder to overthrow."

Meanwhile, Emperor Thomas of The imperial states called Chiang's election "a veritable declaration of war," but Empress Nicole predicted "she may be alright...as long as she doesn't air her own 'Wedding Night Special' like that skank Antigone."

As President Faisano readies to leave office, the mood at Frowning Street is rather sensitive. "I'm glad Sammy is finally going to be released from this prison, but by Jove, all those sexist remarks he keeps making about my clothes sometimes make me wish they'd keep him here longer!" said "First Lady" Avaya Thibaudet of Ardchoille, before threatening to turn a reporter into a toad for asking if she was there for a "booty call."

"I'm just glad it's almost over," Faisano grumbled as he pulled off his sash and flung it onto his desk. Attired in a dark suit, he turned to a mirror and applied a pair of black cufflinks. "Now if you'll excuse me, I'm late for a funeral."

The funeral in question was for his buddies Ace and Rico, the latest casualties of the global pandemic.