The Secretly a Cantaloupe of Valaran is a gargantuan, genial nation, ruled by Prime Minister William Hesseren with a fair hand, and notable for its daily referendums, irreverence towards religion, and devotion to social welfare. The compassionate, democratic, cheerful population of 14.089 billion Valarans hold their civil and political rights very dear, although the wealthy and those in business tend to be viewed with suspicion.

The medium-sized government juggles the competing demands of Education, Industry, and Healthcare. It meets to discuss matters of state in the capital city of Astaria. The average income tax rate is 98.7%.

The frighteningly efficient Valaranian economy, worth a remarkable 4,786 trillion Pounds a year, is fairly diversified and led by the Tourism industry, with major contributions from Book Publishing and Information Technology. State-owned companies are reasonably common. Average income is an amazing 339,749 Pounds, and evenly distributed, with the richest citizens earning only 2.1 times as much as the poorest.

Therapists can always squeeze in another house-call, organ donation is compulsory, sofas are perpetually on sales that Must End Soon, and hipster cyclists declare that "metal is dead". Crime is totally unknown. Valaran's national animal is the Wyvern, which is also the nation's favorite main course.

Valaran is ranked 70,534^th in the world and 1,693^rd in Lazarus for Largest Pizza Delivery Sector, scoring 2,465.79 on the Pepperoni Propulsion Productivity Index.