The Epic Hoarder of Guard Captain is a colossal, safe nation, remarkable for its parental licensing program, daily referendums, and compulsory gun ownership. The hard-nosed, hard-working, cynical, devout population of 9.402 billion Guard Captainians are kept under strict control by the oppressive government, which measures its success by the nation's GDP and refers to individual citizens as "human resources."

The large, corrupt government juggles the competing demands of Defense, Law & Order, and Industry. The average income tax rate is 48.0%, but much higher for the wealthy.

The powerhouse Guard Captainian economy, worth 667 trillion Coins a year, is dominated by the Trout Farming industry, with significant contributions from Arms Manufacturing, Woodchip Exports, and Furniture Restoration. Black market activity is frequent. State-owned companies are reasonably common. Average income is 71,039 Coins, and evenly distributed, with the richest citizens earning only 2.6 times as much as the poorest.

The nationalised Arms Manufacturing Industry is not interested in making weapons, diaper ads feature vertically-challenged adults wearing bootees, foreign leaders who don't applaud Leader's speeches are regarded as enemies of Guard Captain, and criminals lock themselves in their mums' basements to avoid prison. Crime, especially youth-related, is totally unknown, thanks to the all-pervasive police force. Guard Captain's national animal is the Royal Sheep, which is also the nation's favorite main course.

Guard Captain is ranked 243,872^nd in the world and 16^th in Ireland for Largest Cheese Export Sector, scoring -6.93 on the Mozzarella Productivity Index.