The Tasavalta of Esvonia is a massive, efficient nation, ruled by Presidentti Sauli Niinistö with an even hand, and notable for its strictly enforced bedtime, keen interest in outer space, and ubiquitous missile silos. The compassionate, democratic population of 4.489 billion Suomalainens have some civil rights, but not too many, enjoy the freedom to spend their money however they like, to a point, and take part in free and open elections, although not too often.

The enormous government juggles the competing demands of Administration, Defense, and Education. It meets to discuss matters of state in the capital city of Helsinki. The average income tax rate is 95.8%.

The frighteningly efficient Esvonian economy, worth 679 trillion Euroas a year, is led by the Information Technology industry, with significant contributions from Arms Manufacturing, Tourism, and Book Publishing. State-owned companies are common. Average income is an impressive 151,393 Euroas, and distributed extremely evenly, with little difference between the richest and poorest citizens.

Foreign spirits are hard to find due to an abundance of "Cletus and Jim Bob's Homemade Esvonian Moonshine", census workers struggle to account for the rapidly increasing number of citizens to tabulate, democratic debates have been removed from the government, and attempts to inform people about their unclaimed property are often mistaken for telephone scams. Crime is totally unknown, thanks to a very well-funded police force and progressive social policies in education and welfare. Esvonia's national animal is the Ruskea Karhu, which frolics freely in the nation's many lush forests, and its national religion is Suomen Evankelis-Luterilainen Kirkko.

Esvonia is ranked 15,345^th in the world and 168^th in Europe for Most Rebellious Youth, scoring 3 on the Stark-Dean Displacement Index.