Mustardist Rituals

The Mustardist faith is quite possibly the perfect religion. It's the faith followed by a majority of AmEricAns, so to say it's perfect would be an understatement. Adherents of Mustardism perform a variety of rituals to attempt to commune with Rickard Pentulis, the founder of the faith.

The most common of these rites is to ingest entire bottles of mustard. The effects of the mustard are truly noticeable after the adherent completely ingests their first bottle. The first of these effects is a strong feeling of nausea, later accompanied by visions of Pentulis. This method, while not very effective for receiving messages, is the easiest to perform.

The second most common method is the mustard enema, in which an adherent uses a razor blade to scar the inner walls of their rectum. The adherent then inserts a tube connected to one of those ear cleaner things filled with mustard, and applies pressure to the ear cleaner, shooting mustard into the body and the slits. The first effect of the ritual is an immense pain from the razor blade, and this pain is typically increased with the sting of the fresh AmEricAn yellow. The adherent then falls into a hallucinogenic trance, no doubt brought on by such a close connection to Pentulis. These hallucinations often come with messages from Pentulis, promising great fortune in the afterlife in exchange for a donation of the adherent's earthly wealth.

The final method is the most complicated, but in the long term the most rewarding. It is to become "Blood-kin" with Pentulis. It involves the adherent's body being drained of blood, while simultaneously being filled with mustard. People who have completed the procedure are said to immediately ascend to the afterlife set apart for only the most devout Mustardists, Pentulis's Heavenly Fourth of July Barbeque. This ritual has benefited from modern science, as it is now easier to perform than ever. Originally, an adherent would have to first have a tube inserted into their bloodstream, typically through the neck. This tube would then be inserted into the arm of another person, who would then use the natural human skill of the vein vaccuum to suck the adherent's blood into their own bloodstream. While this was happening, a priest would have to very carefully dispense mustard into the adherent at the same rate as the blood was being removed. If the mustard was to be dispensed too quickly or too slowly, the adherent would very likely die, and be bound to Mustard Hell, where a fate of filing papers for eternity in the dank offices of the Mustard Devil would await. Nowadays, the process is mechanized through the use of modified blood filtration machines. Instead of having to coordinate between people, the machine always dispenses mustard as quickly as it draws blood. This new process for the ritual has been dubbed by many, as Mustard Dialysis.

These are the most well-known of the rituals to contact Rickard Pentulis. There may be people who use other methods, but if so then they're just heretics, and you should stone them.